I was lying in a hospital bed with mixed emotions. I had given birth several hours earlier. Pain is the first emotion that comes to mind. The pain of labour, birth, after birth, trying to breast feed.
I remember with my first more so than my other births how my body looked and felt after bubs was born. wobbly, squishy and empty. The baby was born and my tummy was still big but there was no baby snug inside anymore.
I couldn't sit and so I struggled to learn to feed lying in bed on my side. So much 'advice' about how, when and where to feed. We were learning together, both of us with our first time. Why had no one told me breastfeeding was hard work that took time to learn? Why did it come so naturally for others yet took us months to get there?
Others were so excited and clucky over the new baby to join the family. I was happy also, but in shock still at what just happened. If THAT is how women give birth every time I am not doing it again.
As you can see in my profile I am a very proud mamma to 5 beautiful children. What changed my mind? Determination and a yearning for better.
The time came that I wanted more children and I was certain things would be different. I popped the "inside the box thinking" bubble and broadened my learning and education into all things labour, birth and baby. Starting with a search online for the best positions for labour and birth. I was not going to tear again or have stitches! (for those interested I stayed upright in my next labour and birth and no tears or stitches!! Repeat for bubs 3, 4 and 5!)
My first experience with birth, as hard as it was in many ways was my first step onto the journey that brought me to where I am now.
While I have not and never will forget what I went through, I am now at a place of forgiveness for myself and the treatment I received. Everything that my baby and I went through was the beginning of something more powerful and bigger than I could ever imagine.
I am now a very proud homebirther. While at times I may envy others who have their first babes at home, I do not wish away the path that lay behind me.
Happy Birthday my sweet son. Together we have stumbled along the way and I know we shall continue to stumbled as we head into more firsts for both of us.
Thank you for choosing me to be your mother, thank you for making me a Mummy.