When we got back from home ed camp I came down from the wonderful high.
Part of that reason was getting a letter from our son's surgery team. They have room/time for him to go in for another surgery in less than a month.
Just saying that out loud makes me sick to my stomach.
The last time he went in I was pregnant with our 2nd youngest. Our son was 17 months old.
Hub, myself and my belly babe, and our son went in to the hospital, early. Our other 3 children stayed with my parents.
To say it is difficult having your baby/child go through operations is an understatement. Emotions run wild, sometimes hard to control. You can go from positive, thinking yes, he'll be fine, to oh my god what if something happens, and crying your eyes out.
I want him to be able to do all the things other kids do. I want him to be able to run around, play sports and not over heat. I want him to not worry if his birthmark will get knocked and tear, as it is very thin skin. To go out in the sunshine and not have extra worry about melanoma.
I'd be lying if aesthetics did not play a small part.. There is a fine line between 'like most others' and different. This is another topic close to my heart when thinking about, talking about our son. I struggle with him looking how he did as a baby, how he looks now, and how he will look after these upcoming surgeries. At every stage he is my beautiful son. The struggling is because the change is so different, and it was our decision for him to be put through it.
But I just have to look at those big blue eyes. The are the same bright, sparkling eyes. When he smiles they light up, with a dash of cheekiness illuminating.
I do mean it when I say my children are beautiful to me no matter how they physically appear. My son is so beautiful on the inside that it radiates outwards.
But. There is the but. He DOES look different. His Nevus is still large on his head. It is very noticeable. Part of me wants it to be gone, so he doesn't have to be stared at, pointed at, asked questions. So he can go about his day inconspicuous.
To lead a life like others.
And then the dial turns and I see that really, we are all different. Some of us just more noticeable then others. Instead of asking why my son, I ask why not?
Why not him to have something that not many others do? Why not him to show others that beauty is not skin deep?
As I said earlier he is beautiful on the inside. He is energetic, very cheeky, so lovable and he likes to make my heart stop when climbing or jumping from anything and everything.
I truly do feel blessed that he joined our family. With us it is busy, crazy and sometimes chaotic. We keep on moving, together. Jump on and hang on.
He is growing up with no special treatment from his family. We go anywhere and everywhere, and do activities like everyone else. Keeping on with life has always been a focus for us, more so since he was born. We want him to know there is nothing he can't do. He has every chance like everyone. If he wants something he will make it happen.
And now with this letter arriving, familiar feelings and emotions have come rushing back. He is now 2 years older, more aware, bigger, stronger and much more vocal. He can tell us with words when he is hurting, upset, tired or wanting to just be with us.
I truly do not know how he will be this time, how he will cope. Same for hub and I.
For now I am thinking more about how he will look back on this as an adult. I know, I should focus on right now. But it's hard not to wonder if he will be understanding or angry, upset with us, his parents, about what we have put him through as a child.
We have talked about this at length, and agree we will be honest and tell him what we talked about, together, with the surgeons, with other Nevus families, and with our hearts.
We do what we feel is that we do what is best at the time, with the knowledge and support we have at that time. I hope he will see that, and know how much we have loved him, even from before he was born.
I know I have been 'hiding' in regards to pics of myself. So I will share a pic of myself and my beautiful boy on his first Christmas. The other children had fallen asleep, so Hub and I took some pics of our bubbly, happy bubba.
I will write again more as we get closer. His surgery is booked for the day after his 4th birthday.