Wednesday, 21 November 2012

Wanderings, ramblings, slightly nonsensical

I remember the tween/teen years and being so preoccupied wondering about other peoples lives. How they seemed to be having such fun, lots of friends and being happy.  Watching them live their lives, comparing it to my own. Ugh. I really would love to go back in time and smack myself up the head.
I just didn't have the confidence then. The feeling of pride and joy in my own life and following my path, instead of trying to jump along behind others.

Well, screw that. 33 years is a damn long time to feel confident and stand tall. I don't want to drag it on further. I don't want to watch others take a leap of faith, while I watch and feel a tinge of jealously mixed with a scowl. That is what is was back then. Instead of seeing others make their own path and saying, wow, good for them, I would feel it wasn't fair. Why can't I do that.
Pretty easy answer I have for that, now.

You can.

You don't have to be or act a certain way to be mature. And besides, mature is just a perception. Add a few drinks and even so called mature people are trying to do the macarena with their high heels kicked off.

The more I ponder, the more I feel this is a not very swift process. And I'm ok with that. I'm quite happy with getting to where I am now. I'm trying hard to not think too much about the past. It's done now, no changing. But I will remember it, and remind myself of it when need be.

I imagine I will finally get there around 70, when I have earned the right to say exactly what I want to whomever is near me.
Maybe a bit of a mixture between Nan from the Catherine Tate show and Dor from Gavin and Stacey.

Between now and then I am sure it will be quite liberating. And fun.

1 comment:

Hellena Post said...

I reckon it will be sooner than 70! I can so relate to the feeling of working hard towards speaking your truth. And looking back at years of worrying too much about what other people thought. And slight resentment at other people 'making it'. And you're right, you can just do it yourself. Instead of trying to join in with someone else, find your own path! Just gotta be who you are :)