Year of big changes!

2012 brings with it some major changes for our family.
The best one, and biggest we have ever done in my opinion, is our house. A home we have dreamed of for years. I have only mentioned it here now and then mainly because, well, to most it is a very boring subject. A topic only hose who are building or renovating or dreaming can really understand.
So, lucky you, I will save you from going on about types of wood, foundations, ceiling height, windows, paint colours, straw, render and sooo much more.

I have a big list of things that need to be done for the planning stage and how much we need to save for said planning stage, grumble. We meet our draftswoman early in the new year to finalise the plans and then things will get very exciting! For me anyway, I love this stuff.
So yes, a big house to fit us all with room to fling a child around.

Another big change is the older children heading off to our local school. Huge news really. I am still coming to terms with my feelings. On the one hand I would love to make them do what I want. But you can't control someone and preach about their autonomy at the same time.
Children grow up. As they grow their view and understanding of the world grows with them. The children you wanted to always voice their opinion, have their feelings heard, now have those!

I have felt it may happen one day. One, two or more would want to give school a go.
I know for me growing up, when I was not allowed to do something, I wanted to do it. Foods I couldn't have, I wanted them. Told not to do something, I did it. Always testing boundaries and pushing for things I knew I could do, or would be ok with.
My determination and lure to seeing just how far I could go, or see what I could do, has certainly been passed on to the children. I want to embrace that, as much as I can while I remind that pesky inner voice that they are growing up and I have to continually let go a bit more each time. They have minds of their own, different ways of seeing the world.
Don't get me started on how the 2 eldest boys are the same shoe size as me now and VERY close to seeing eye to eye with me.

I have also never seen schools/institutions, as the enemy, like some home edders have told me.
Maybe it is part because I went to Uni to be a teacher. Part is also certainly because I and Hub both went to school, yet here we are challenging the world and views from the moment we got together at only 15. I am here and who I am because of my past, and the journey along the way.

In a nutshell I want my children to know that we are here and supporting them through their life and the direction they want to go in. For 2012, it will be a combination of school and still some home edding. Yes, you can combine both. I know too well there are gaps in what children want to learn and what they are exposed to at school.
Maybe that is the teacher in me, trying to make sure the children are well rounded, with awesome grammar and hand writing!

As you can imagine we have talked about school a lot over the years, and especially in the last few months. I was very pleased to overhear the older boys talking about going to school and how they are excited to go but how they are glad they know they can always go back to home ed if they prefer.
I love that they know they have choices and that their parents are following their lead and supporting them as they grow up (way too fast!)

What also helps is how family orientated this school is. There is around 70 students across the 7 grades. I have spoken to many parents about teachers, the principal, the school in general etc. I also put the school through the wringer so to speak when we visited each time the kids had went. In the last 2 months they have spent a couple of hours in the classrooms getting to know the teacher and other kids. They went 4 times and each time they would tell me everything that happened, who they spoke to, what they did, what they liked, what they were not sure of.
I am very pleased the school were happy for them to do this, as it meant the children could see for themselves for deciding for certain about going next year.

Don't worry, I'm not kidding myself it is all sunshine and lollipops! There are pros and cons no matter what we do. The key is the support they have and the ability to keep open dialogue with the children and us about their lives. Communicating with the teachers is also very important to me.

So we will see what Term 1 brings come Feb next year.
I will be home with my 3 little women and must admit I am a little excited too. I have no doubt there will be a lot of play dough happening and lots of cutting and pasting. A big favourite at the moment.
Miss 3 already has big plans for us. Lots of baking, going to the park and watching Dora. Yay, I think!

Latest and lucky last babe!

Our sweet baby girl arrived in a speedy, very intense and hard labour, just over a week ago. Hub and I both were swaying more towards our babe being a boy, and laughed when we saw nope, another beautiful baby girl had joined our family. Another not so little girl! She was 11 pounds and 58.4cm long. She still feels so tiny in my arms though.



Having her first feed, all snuggled up with Mummy and her fan club! The other children all adore her and always want to look at her and cuddle her. Miss 2 wants to eat her, or kiss her to death. She will hear her cry and say 'Ohhh baby sister!'




Master 5 asked me to take some pics with her. He has been very cute, just watching her, gently touching her hand. It is very sweet to watch him, especially as I would say he is the most energetic and on the go out of all the children.


Our days have been quite slow and lazy, perfect for babymooning. Over the next week we will be getting ready for Christmas. The children are all very excited and looking forward to a day of fun at Nanna and Poppy's house.

A long time between drinks

The hours fly by so fast. The days and weeks too. Yet it also feels like time can drag by soooo slowly.
My head is still swirling with everything and more we have going on right now, but thankfully it is not overwhelming me or having me feel anxious.
I'm nudging 35 weeks now and flow between feeling zen about when the baby will choose her or his birthday, to just wanting it over and done with already.
This is normal for me, I have done it the last 5 pregnancies. I just try to remind myself baby knows the best day and labour goes so much better when it happens spontaneously.

I am feeling very heavy in the pelvis, especially since bubs dropped about a week ago. Yay I can breathe again, but ouch at the same time!

I am still asked if this is for certain the last baby. Even by people that know Hub had a vasectomy. Yes, it is! 100% it is. It has been 5 months since hub had it done, and I am more happy and content with the decision as time goes by.
I love and adore babies. They smell, the squishyness, holding them, their sweet breath. They really are lovely.
But I know my body and mind are ready for this last baby. I know what a strain my body has been through carrying such large bubs too.

I have also been told by others how they cannot fathom making such a decision. How it is so final. How it means no more, and they can't imagine doing it. This makes me laugh. As clearly, it means they are not ready. They do not want to close that chapter of their lives yet.
And of course that is ok. I was there once. Amazed at the women making final decisions about no babies. It means no more babies!!
And now it is my turn. My turn to feel 'done. For years I wondered, and was concerned too, if I would ever feel done. I would listen to Mums talk about how they just knew, and how they were excited for the next stage of no more babies.
I honestly did not get it. Of course I didn't get it. I wanted my window to stay open. I was not ready. It was not my time.

But now I am. And I laugh at how once I could never imagine being here.
I feel happy, liberated, excited and to be honest a bit sad too. Endings are always sad.
I am trying hard to enjoy the kicks and movements of this bellybabe. Knowing she or he is the last to grow inside my womb. The last baby, our little caboose!

The current little caboose continues to make me laugh, and brings so much joy to our family. I can't imagine, nor remember life without her.
I know I will feel the same when this wee baby joins us too.

Here is Miss 1 asleep in a funny place, as usual. All our children have been such great 'anywhere' sleepers. No matter where we are, if they feel tired they fall asleep. This was the last suitcase to unpack after a weekend away. She loves to help. By help I mean she will toss everything out of the case, clap her hands, smile and say 'All done!'
I must admit, if the older boys did this at nearly 2 I would more than likely crack it, sigh and tell them not to do that. Now, many years and babies later, I am more patient, but more than anything I see the funny side, and don't sweat the small stuff. I know how fast time goes by, how fast children grow. I choose to laugh. Life is much happier this way, for all of us.

House plans are still in the making, just going very slow as we save for what needs to be done next. It is a longer process doing it this way, but it means things are paid for with cash upfront and then we don't have to worry about it again.

The builder is currently doing the final touches on another straw bale home not far from us, and then will be able to have more time for us. It has worked out well and we are grateful to find people nearby who can help us build our home.

Til next time!

Life goes on

Whether I like or not, I have to keep going. Even with the crying, whinging, sooking, and complaining(all mine) the world just will not stop until I am feeling well enough to face it again.

Clothes need to be washed, folded and put away every day. Children want to read stories. They also want to go out and socialise and play, grumble. And what is with wanting to be fed more than once a day? sheesh!


When I look at this photo I sigh at all the washing Hub had done, ready to be folded and put away. But then I see him with some of the children reading another story that night and it makes me smile. Washing will always be there, the kids at this age will not. It is them that help me see how much life is worth living. I get out of bed each day because of and also for them, before I think of myself.


This chubby cheeked, smiling, happy baby is simply hilarious. She makes me laugh many times in the day and I am so thankful she is in our family. She has so much personality and character for a 1 year old and she loves to have us all laughing.
All she has to say is 'Mummy yook, Mummy yook' and I smile, seeing the excitement in her face at the latest thing she wants me to look at too.

Her big sister has me laughing just as much. At only 3 years old she talks so well and is very animated. If I do not here her over all the monkeys the first time she will say loudly "Mummy, I am talking to you!' and if I call her almost every time she replies with 'Just a second' Who knows where she gets it from hey. She has her own little bed, in the room she shares with her sister. They love being together and often I see them together on the same bed with the CD player and one of their read-a-long books, with the 'ding' each time you need to turn the page. I loved them when I was little. Except I had a cassette, remember those?

Very slowly, at snail pace, each day is getting better. I have had the odd day in there though that really sucked and made me think, Bugger, I thought I was moving forward. But looking over the months I can see the better, smoother days are outnumbering the low days. This is good. This is progress. My Hub, my children, my parents, and close friends make a huge difference in getting through. They are loving, caring, supportive, and help in any way they can. I truly feel that even if you don't understand what someone is going through, you can still empathise and support them.

'Til next time!

Blogtoberfest

I won't be doing Blogtoberfest this year. I just don't have it in me, and I fear most days will just be a whinge, bitch or whine as I swim through this AND. I don't want to do that to you, or me.

However I will link you to {tinniegirl} where you can follow the wonderful blogs who will be participating.
Enjoy!

I have liked the band OKGO for years now. Hub sent me a message telling me he loves me with this link. I had forgotten about this song. I like it a lot. This too shall pass, but for the time being we will go through it together.
Thanks Hub, I love you.

I get it, but still don't like it

I get the stigma attached to depression. All the different kinds. They all still have the word depression in there.
Most people in society hear that word and have no idea what it truly means.
They may have visions of someone in a rocking chair, looking out the window with a Nanna's crocheted shawl wrapped around them. Rocking back and forth.
No thanks to TV and movies very little is understood or even accepted in society.

You might see me at one of the children's sports. Cheering them on. I will even be smiling and hug them after the game and tell them how well they played.
You may look at me and think, she looks normal.
Grr, that damn word normal. Who the fuck is normal anyway. Certainly no one I know. There is no such thing, in my opinion. Unless normal means 'human and alive.'

You may even bump past me walking down the street, and you say sorry. To which I will laugh and say 'no worries.'

Don't think there is a rule book with depression. Everyone who has it, is different. We are all here for different reasons, and we live different lives. We are all getting through in our own ways.

For me, I don't want to be treated in a special way. Just talk to me as you usually would. Show kindness, caring and respect as you usually do, and should to anyone.

Depression or not, we all have shit going on. Bills to pay, meals to make, things to worry about.
A bit of compassion goes a long way. Taking a big breath before opening your mouth goes a VERY long way!

For me I am taking one day at a time. I have a calendar with everything going on in our lives, but I am still looking at only what I have to do today. It certainly helps we are in school holidays at the moment, so we have a break from the kids activities for a couple of weeks.

The house plans still carry on. Despite everything going on with me, I know we need to keep things in motion. It's something to look forward to, along with waiting for our lucky last family member.