Education

"Whatever an education is, it should make you a unique individual, not a conformist;
it should furnish you with an original spirit with which to tackle the big challenges;
it should allow you to find values which will be your road map through life;
it should make you spiritually rich, a person who loves whatever you are doing, wherever you are, whomever you are with;
it should teach you what is important, how to live and how to die."

~John Taylor Gatto

Feelings that are beyond describable

When I kissed my child on the forehead, smiled and told him I love him and that I will see him later.

My throat hurts from the hard lump, and I strain to hold back tears so he doesn't see.

I want him to see that I am ok, smiling, it's all good.

The doctor says "Ok, let's go little man" And my son is wheeled away. I wave just before he is out of site, Daddy by his side.

Then the tears flow fast from your eyes as I slump in the chair. I don't think any parent wants to admit it, but for a moment, or more, you can't help but think, will he really see me again? Will it really be ok?

Fuck what have we done. Our baby going in for surgery again. This never gets easier. I am not strong, I am numb. How could this get harder every time we do this. Part I guess is I wonder if we are tempting fate. Each time the surgeon has come to the parent waiting room and said "It went well" and with those words I could breathe again and my heart would start beating again.

But what if he doesn't say that this time. What if his first words are "I am so sorry to tell you but.."

Fuck fuck fuck. Being at the hospital is the only time I have actually heard my heart thumping. So loud.

I am reminded how we do the best, what we think is right, with the information we have at the time. That is little comfort when you know what is happening to your little boy. Because no matter what the decision it was ours.

We have no idea how he will feel in ten or fifteen years time. My only hope is he believes us that we truly did, with all the information we had, and soul searching and tears, feel this was the way to go. Our hearts ached no matter what we chose.

When hub walks out alone we sort of stand there, just for a few moments. Then grab our bags and walk out. Our little boy is now in theatre. I remind myself that he will be ok, his surgeon is the best at what he does.

We go and get something to eat. All the while our baby girl is happy on my back. Smiling, gurgling and reaching out to grab everything we go past.

It is so warm and stuffy in there, I can hardly breathe. So we go to the garden area. Fresh air, feels so good.

All this time we make small talk. I can never recall what we say. Just a mix of words to pass the time, break the silence, break the thinking.

We go to the parent waiting room. It is quite large, with very uncomfy couches. There is a TV to help pass the time.

We spend a lot of the time glancing back and forth to the door.

The surgeon finally walks in. Something I only noticed last time was that he walks in with his hands behind his back.

He sits on the edge of the chair near us. "It went well, we got a lot this time"

And I breathe, heart starts thumping again.

He tells us how it went and that recovery will call us soon to go in.

Relieved to have seen him, and hear that our boy is doing well, we know get to wait some more.

Sometimes it feels like this wait is the hardest. I want to see him with my own eyes. Touch his soft skin.

When we hear our names over the speaker we scramble everything together and head to see him.

The recovery room is very big. It can hold around 20 beds. There are about 6 babies and children in there when we walk in. We scan the room looking for our son. Hub spots him first, and then I see him too.

I walk straight over and touch his arm. The relief, the exasperation, I smile at him even though he is still asleep.

He has to stay in recovery for about 45 minutes. So he can wake up, have a drink or icy pole and get a bed organised on the ward.

While I am gone changing bub he is moved upstairs. So we head up to the ward. I walk to the wrong end, so I head down the other end. I hear crying and I know it is him. He is awake and very upset. Ugh I hate this. Seeing him in pain, upset, groggy.

He knows we are there but he is obviously disorientated. It takes a while to settle him in, with lots of help from Daddyo soothing him, and holding him in his arms.

I feed bubs again while hub sits on the bed holding our boy. Before I leave I go and grab some water and snacks for hub as I know he is not going anywhere until I come back the next day.

Leaving is very hard for me. I know he is safe. I know the only person who could ever come close to loving him like I do is his daddy, but, I am the mummy, you know? I carried him, birthed him, and nourished him. But I know that the little babe on my back needs me now too, all her nourishment is from me.

I miss them both terribly over night, despite being a mummy sandwich between bubs and Miss toddlership.

It is so good to get a picture message from hub the next morning, of our smiling boy. I can't wait to go back to get them.

The other children are with my mum while I am gone. I know that she cares very much for our babies and despite having some differences with parenting she is consistent with how we do things, and if she forgets something our eldest boys remind her, which makes me laugh.

When we are all home again it takes our little guy a couple of weeks to settle back in, recover and feel himself again. To be honest the first week he is a nightmare, which is a combination of the drugs, the weight off his head and getting back to some kind of normal. Patience, patience and more patience is needed for us all.

We know that there will be more treatment needed for our son, but the biggest part is thankfully behind us.

I don't want to put my head in the sand, it's hard to when you can visibly see his large scars, but for now we are moving forward to healing, getting our family rhythm back and enjoying life again.

Here are some pics of the last surgery.

Arriving at the hospital. Bubs on back, ready to go.

My big and little men heading up the hill. Every week when Hub would take our son for his fill ups this is how he would insist on travelling. Apparently as soon as they would hop out the car son would say "My legs are tired daddy, you carry me"



This was our little guys first big smile after surgery. It was sooo wonderful to see. We took him and the kids to the snow. It was his first time and he was sooo excited. His face lit up and filled my heart.

Thank you everyone who sent well wishes and positive thoughts our way. They truly do help and are a comfort to read.

Love/Hate relationship

I have a Love/Hate relationship with this Country.


I hate that people who hold higher powers of other people feel they have the right to tell them what they can and cannot do with their own bodies. Women are viewed as problematic to start with, so you can imagine what it is like for a pregnant women. Her body and baby are not hers.


Our government is now teaming with people who only want control and not to actually support women, into to taking every Australian Women's pregnancy and birth choices away. Decisions being made about women, with no input from women. Deals signed behind closed doors and in secret.

Lies, deception, and treating women as though they cannot research, know their bodies, or let alone read information and make informed decisions.


All this is done despite thousands of women, men and families protesting against. Fighting with them are also professionals, in particular Midwives. But also doctors, nurses, even Obstetricians.

I, we, will keep fighting for our rights, for every woman to hold autonomy for her body and stop the 'them vs us' hierarchy that has hurt far too many women, babies and families. Every woman, every choice.

And then, the love side. This country has Medicare. My children can have medical help anytime it is needed, from our wonderful Doctor, to Major surgery, and we do not pay. Well, we do pay, but through a medicare levy every year, but in the scheme of things it is very cheap, and certainly much cheaper than private health insurance.

There is a lot of controversy surrounding Medicare, in our country and others too. For me I see in the mindset as paying it forward. We pay taxes and the medicare levy, and use medical services only when it is truly needed. Our children will grow to be tax payers, paying it forward to others.

Our 4th child has needed several surgeries to improve his health and well being. This is made possible because of Medicare. The hospital he goes to is one of the leading children's hospitals in the world, seeing children from the whole world in need of specialist care. I am very thankful to live here, for my child to receive such care.

I don't know of any country where all the people are happy all the time. I would hope that ours will get better. Where people can work together and focus on the bigger picture of humankind rather than dollar signs.

He is Ten

Making his birthday cake, telling me to take pictures.

My eldest son is Ten years old. I am still getting my head around it. I used to hate it when we would see friends or people and they would say "Oh my god would you just look at you, my you've grown so much. Sigh, time flies"
Because when you are a kid, it feels like time drags on forever, and you want to hurry up and grow up so you can do stuff.

And then I blinked. And the baby, my guinea pig baby, turned ten. Together, everything is the first time. It still is, and will keep on this way for quite a while longer.

The child who paves the way for his younger siblings. So much that we go through is new, and so I am anxious, nervous, scared, excited about milestones, new adventures, moments where I have no friggin clue what to do or say. Times when he asks me a question and I stare at him, scanning my brain to find the 'right' answer, him looking at me with a look of 'Hello? 2 minutes went by, answer the question you crazy woman with left eye twitching'

I will spare all the details of the birth. Let's just say our wee babe was pulled from my body and I was so relieved he was out. Others in the room were in more a joyous mood then myself, thanks to the drugs, and sleeping tablet I was given 12 hours earlier because 'First time mums take forever' Hmm, guess not! Others may say birth does not matter, so long as there is a healthy baby. To that I say a healthy mother is just as important.

This is me and my baby, our first cuddle, several hours after he was born. I am all puffy and still sick from the drugs. Several others had held my son by this stage. My husband and I were finally alone with our baby and I said to him "Can I have a cuddle now?"

When I look at this picture, the caption that comes to mind is "Here is our baby, how does he work?" In so many ways the hard part had just begun.

Those early days, all blurry and muddled together. Boobs that doubled in size and leaked (no one told me they leaked!), not being able to sit, shuffling around, baby crying for a feed despite being fed 3 hours earlier for a whole hour. Sleep deprived, emotional, ready to kill the next person who told me it was just the 'baby blues'

I wish I could go back, put myself and baby in bed, and say 'Relax, just snuggled in bed with your baby and rest. The cleaners, cooks and helpers will take care of everything."

Instead, through well meaning advice, I would wrap and try to put our helpless baby in his own bed after every feed. Well, after a nappy change and burp., cause you have to whack that babies back until it burps damn it!

Somehow we made it without breaking him. Amongst all the learning and growing our son was absolutely wonderful. I truly understood what it meant to love another person so much that you really would do anything for them. His first word was Mumma, at 3 months. I was mocked by some people when I told them. Apparently he was too young and all babies say Daddy first.

How proud I was when he said it in front of them. My smile could not be bigger seeing the look on their faces, ha!

Our little boy grew up sooo fast. Looking back it was too fast. Doing everything very early, but we were excited to watch these milestones, not really noticing time flying by, and our baby becoming a very independent toddler.

When we felt ready for another child I was so scared. Could I love another baby as much as I loved our son? I didn't think it was possible, and spent many nights awake, scared and worried for our new baby.

Here we are. I am about 6 months pregnant here. He loved resting his head on my belly.
When the baby was born, all the stress and worry I had was gone in a flash. I was in love with our not so little baby boy, and couldn't wait for our eldest to meet his new brother.
When he did he was more interested in seeing me, and the hospital bed and flinging all the curtains.
Over time though he grew very fond of his little brother, and they are still best friends.



Then came along a little sister. Looking back at pictures of him and his baby sister make me laugh. He adored her so much. He would do anything to make her smile and laugh, and entertain her. Nearly 6 years later and wow, can he get angry if she so dares to even look at his things!
Every now and then they share a moment, playing together, or him helping her with reading words she doesn't know and it warms my heart.


The journey I took with my son lead me to the parent I am now. I learnt to follow my heart, my instincts, what I sensed was right. While I look back with a sadness that I did not parent my baby how I have his siblings, I also am grateful that we learnt together that there was a better way, and that it is never too late to block your ears from well meaning advice and listen to your heart and child.


He is by far the child I worry about the most. The child I think too much about in terms of our parenting with him. Wanting to get it 'right' and not stuff up.
By the time we get to the 3rd child and beyond we have learnt what is important and what is not, and the children after that get more relaxed parents. We have been there before you see.
We see a child with a clump of hair missing from their heads and laugh, or a child covered head to toe in Vegemite and grab the camera.


We are trying hard to relax more, and do our best with our guinea pig baby and all that life is throwing at the 3 of us. I am still getting used to receiving emails from my son, but am grateful he wants to send them to me, 99% being toys, lego and games he would like.

For now, I shall embrace the endless talks about bionicles, star wars, Indiana Jones, lego and the myriad of facts he likes to tell over and over about Dinosaurs.



Happy Birthday our son. Try to go slowly, you have all the time in the world.

Breastfeeding in public

Breastfeeding in the modern day can be damn hard work. A time when women's bodies are advertised in a sexualised way more often then not. These advertisements on billboards, posters, bus and train stops, shopping centres, TV, grocery stores, magazines, newspapers and the list goes on and on.

I have breastfed all of my children wherever and whenever they needed. It is normal to me that ANY baby, no matter how they are fed have the right to their food source when they need.
Due to what I mentioned in the first paragraph, this can make breastfeeding particularly challenging at time with members of society who see women's bodies as every ones but a babies.

http://www.nursingfreedom.org/2010/07/carnip-day-1.html Nursing Freedom has put together a collection of posts, articles and blogs that touch on this topic.

The little things...

That make me laugh.
This sticker is on my sun visor in my car, and it makes me laugh every time I put the visor down.

Forty before Forty

In no particular order, a list of 40 things I would like to do over the next 9 years.

1. Learn how to follow a knitting pattern and complete a project.

2. Take the kids to Tasmania for a full tour.

3. Take the kids on a Ski trip to New Zealand. We want to stay at a Ski Resort with the works, make it a great holiday. (This will happen closer to age forty and we have already started planning for it)

4. Learn how to follow a crochet pattern and complete beanies for my family.

5. Go on a holiday with Hub, just the two of us for at least 2 weeks. Our last holiday with just us and no babies, and not pregnant, was Feb 1999. Yeah, a fair wait hey.

6. Complete the training to become an IBCLC (International Board Certified Lactation Consultant)

7. Build our 'forever' house. (Hopefully this can be finished in the next 2 years)

8. Buy a sewing machine. Or should I say, have it bought for me, wink, nudge, ahem.

9. Take our family to see the 'Dish' in Parkes. (If you know me well you have laughed out loud at this)

10. Sew something for each member of our family.

11. Buy a bike and trailer. Like this one.

12. Learn another language. We are on our way with this, choosing Latin.

13. Learn how to spin wool from apwool and the Spinnners!

14. Buy my new DSLR Camera, something I have been aiming for, for a few years now.

15. Take my kids out on a date, one at a time, with just me and the 1 munchkin. They pick what we do, where we go and what we eat. (Shall be interesting I'd say!)(We do this already, but on a smaller scale, not a whole day out)

16. Buy a huge canvas and have myself, Hub and the kids put footprints and hand prints on it in the colours of choice. (This is something hub and I have talked about for years, and I can't wait to do it)

17. Hang canvas above fire place in forever house. Pride of place for us to look at for years to come, especially when the children are off making their own lives. Sob, sob.

18. Ride a horse along the beach. Ugh I know right?! But damn it I want to do it. With Hub, at sunset. Nawwwww

19. Put all our photos that are all over the place in boxes and bags, in to albums. Remember albums, the type you hold in your hands like a book? As more children came, and digital cameras, time was rare, so I left the photos in the 'I'll get to it one day' pile.

20. Paint a painting. I don't know of what yet. Frame it and hang it.

21. Read the following classic novels Pride and Prejudice, Jane Eyre, Treasure Island, 1984, The Catcher in the Rye, Gulliver's Travels, The Great Gatsby and last but not least a book I am adding just so I can say I have read it, Moby Dick.

22. Hold a dinner party at our house, with several friends, having adult conversations, and several courses.

23. Make fruit and veg gardens at the new house.

24. Maintain fruit and veg gardens.(I have to add this, or I will kill said gardens in a matter of days)

25. Make a pie, using our own home grown food, from scratch, including the pastry.

26. Cook a home made meal every night for a whole month. Hoping this is fairly easy, with Hub joining in.

27. Start Horse Riding again. Miss5 is very excited about starting when she turns 6, and I am hoping it is something we can do together.

28. Take the kids on a Paddle Steamer on the Murray River.

29. Spend a whole summer as a family at a holiday house on a gorgeous beach.

30. Renew our vows like a cheesy older couple with children watching thinking their parents are uber cool, not :)

31. Get a tattoo, hub and I have talked about getting something for both of us for nearly 15 years. I'd rather give birth.

32. Run a marathon. Or at least a 5km fun run. (Apwool's idea, which means she gets to do it with me, lucky her!)

33. Buy a Motor bike, just for me, no one else to ride, that includes you hub ;) I loved riding when younger, and miss it.

34. Buy myself an outfit, including shoes and accessories. (I tend to wear my clothes until they are falling apart, so this would be nice)

35. Buy chooks.

36. Buy a dog, and hope it doesn't eat the chooks.

37. Go to a show in the city with Hub. The kinf where you dress up and have intermission and talk to adults.

38. Go to a spa resort with friends for a weekend away. (Oh to lie in a hot bath and not have a million interruptions that all start with eother someone banging down the door or someone saying "Hey Mummy....." )

39. Take up netball again. Another joy I miss.

40. Throw a huge 40th birthday party!

Do I think I will do them all? I really don't know, but hey that's the fun of a list. Putting it out there, and seeing what happens.

I now pass this on to apwool and Shae and Daddyo and Nat who will do their list, and pass it on too. (Mine took 3 weeks to put together, so no rush!)