A long time between drinks

The hours fly by so fast. The days and weeks too. Yet it also feels like time can drag by soooo slowly.
My head is still swirling with everything and more we have going on right now, but thankfully it is not overwhelming me or having me feel anxious.
I'm nudging 35 weeks now and flow between feeling zen about when the baby will choose her or his birthday, to just wanting it over and done with already.
This is normal for me, I have done it the last 5 pregnancies. I just try to remind myself baby knows the best day and labour goes so much better when it happens spontaneously.

I am feeling very heavy in the pelvis, especially since bubs dropped about a week ago. Yay I can breathe again, but ouch at the same time!

I am still asked if this is for certain the last baby. Even by people that know Hub had a vasectomy. Yes, it is! 100% it is. It has been 5 months since hub had it done, and I am more happy and content with the decision as time goes by.
I love and adore babies. They smell, the squishyness, holding them, their sweet breath. They really are lovely.
But I know my body and mind are ready for this last baby. I know what a strain my body has been through carrying such large bubs too.

I have also been told by others how they cannot fathom making such a decision. How it is so final. How it means no more, and they can't imagine doing it. This makes me laugh. As clearly, it means they are not ready. They do not want to close that chapter of their lives yet.
And of course that is ok. I was there once. Amazed at the women making final decisions about no babies. It means no more babies!!
And now it is my turn. My turn to feel 'done. For years I wondered, and was concerned too, if I would ever feel done. I would listen to Mums talk about how they just knew, and how they were excited for the next stage of no more babies.
I honestly did not get it. Of course I didn't get it. I wanted my window to stay open. I was not ready. It was not my time.

But now I am. And I laugh at how once I could never imagine being here.
I feel happy, liberated, excited and to be honest a bit sad too. Endings are always sad.
I am trying hard to enjoy the kicks and movements of this bellybabe. Knowing she or he is the last to grow inside my womb. The last baby, our little caboose!

The current little caboose continues to make me laugh, and brings so much joy to our family. I can't imagine, nor remember life without her.
I know I will feel the same when this wee baby joins us too.

Here is Miss 1 asleep in a funny place, as usual. All our children have been such great 'anywhere' sleepers. No matter where we are, if they feel tired they fall asleep. This was the last suitcase to unpack after a weekend away. She loves to help. By help I mean she will toss everything out of the case, clap her hands, smile and say 'All done!'
I must admit, if the older boys did this at nearly 2 I would more than likely crack it, sigh and tell them not to do that. Now, many years and babies later, I am more patient, but more than anything I see the funny side, and don't sweat the small stuff. I know how fast time goes by, how fast children grow. I choose to laugh. Life is much happier this way, for all of us.

House plans are still in the making, just going very slow as we save for what needs to be done next. It is a longer process doing it this way, but it means things are paid for with cash upfront and then we don't have to worry about it again.

The builder is currently doing the final touches on another straw bale home not far from us, and then will be able to have more time for us. It has worked out well and we are grateful to find people nearby who can help us build our home.

Til next time!

Life goes on

Whether I like or not, I have to keep going. Even with the crying, whinging, sooking, and complaining(all mine) the world just will not stop until I am feeling well enough to face it again.

Clothes need to be washed, folded and put away every day. Children want to read stories. They also want to go out and socialise and play, grumble. And what is with wanting to be fed more than once a day? sheesh!


When I look at this photo I sigh at all the washing Hub had done, ready to be folded and put away. But then I see him with some of the children reading another story that night and it makes me smile. Washing will always be there, the kids at this age will not. It is them that help me see how much life is worth living. I get out of bed each day because of and also for them, before I think of myself.


This chubby cheeked, smiling, happy baby is simply hilarious. She makes me laugh many times in the day and I am so thankful she is in our family. She has so much personality and character for a 1 year old and she loves to have us all laughing.
All she has to say is 'Mummy yook, Mummy yook' and I smile, seeing the excitement in her face at the latest thing she wants me to look at too.

Her big sister has me laughing just as much. At only 3 years old she talks so well and is very animated. If I do not here her over all the monkeys the first time she will say loudly "Mummy, I am talking to you!' and if I call her almost every time she replies with 'Just a second' Who knows where she gets it from hey. She has her own little bed, in the room she shares with her sister. They love being together and often I see them together on the same bed with the CD player and one of their read-a-long books, with the 'ding' each time you need to turn the page. I loved them when I was little. Except I had a cassette, remember those?

Very slowly, at snail pace, each day is getting better. I have had the odd day in there though that really sucked and made me think, Bugger, I thought I was moving forward. But looking over the months I can see the better, smoother days are outnumbering the low days. This is good. This is progress. My Hub, my children, my parents, and close friends make a huge difference in getting through. They are loving, caring, supportive, and help in any way they can. I truly feel that even if you don't understand what someone is going through, you can still empathise and support them.

'Til next time!

Blogtoberfest

I won't be doing Blogtoberfest this year. I just don't have it in me, and I fear most days will just be a whinge, bitch or whine as I swim through this AND. I don't want to do that to you, or me.

However I will link you to {tinniegirl} where you can follow the wonderful blogs who will be participating.
Enjoy!

I have liked the band OKGO for years now. Hub sent me a message telling me he loves me with this link. I had forgotten about this song. I like it a lot. This too shall pass, but for the time being we will go through it together.
Thanks Hub, I love you.

I get it, but still don't like it

I get the stigma attached to depression. All the different kinds. They all still have the word depression in there.
Most people in society hear that word and have no idea what it truly means.
They may have visions of someone in a rocking chair, looking out the window with a Nanna's crocheted shawl wrapped around them. Rocking back and forth.
No thanks to TV and movies very little is understood or even accepted in society.

You might see me at one of the children's sports. Cheering them on. I will even be smiling and hug them after the game and tell them how well they played.
You may look at me and think, she looks normal.
Grr, that damn word normal. Who the fuck is normal anyway. Certainly no one I know. There is no such thing, in my opinion. Unless normal means 'human and alive.'

You may even bump past me walking down the street, and you say sorry. To which I will laugh and say 'no worries.'

Don't think there is a rule book with depression. Everyone who has it, is different. We are all here for different reasons, and we live different lives. We are all getting through in our own ways.

For me, I don't want to be treated in a special way. Just talk to me as you usually would. Show kindness, caring and respect as you usually do, and should to anyone.

Depression or not, we all have shit going on. Bills to pay, meals to make, things to worry about.
A bit of compassion goes a long way. Taking a big breath before opening your mouth goes a VERY long way!

For me I am taking one day at a time. I have a calendar with everything going on in our lives, but I am still looking at only what I have to do today. It certainly helps we are in school holidays at the moment, so we have a break from the kids activities for a couple of weeks.

The house plans still carry on. Despite everything going on with me, I know we need to keep things in motion. It's something to look forward to, along with waiting for our lucky last family member.

What word makes people go quiet?

And for most of them they will nod there head, say quietly "Uh ok" and then make up some excuse to leave the room, building, state.

Depression. Most people have NO idea how to deal with the word, let alone how to them talk to someone who is going through it.
Phrases that start with "You just need to...."
"All you need is....."
"A friend of mine had a cousin who had depression and he took up.......... and he snapped right out of it. Maybe you............."

I would like to believe the majority of people say the above out of ignorance, and just not getting it.
Why else would they say "You need to do x, y or z and then it will go away"

If you were to look up Antenatal depression you would not see a picture of me. There is very little information out there for antenatal, loads on postnatal though.
Antenatal is through pregnancy, postnatal is after giving birth.

Nearly everything I have read about antenatal depression does not ring true for me. I did find one article that mentioned feeling blank/numb a lot of the time. This is a tick for me.
It also mentioned feeling tired no matter what time of the day it was and regardless of how well you were eating or taking care of yourself. Another tick for me.
They did all mention feeling teary at times, but then again this is something that happens to most pregnant women at some point. It did not mention the amount of crying though. I assume once in a while would be natural, every day would not. I fell into the every now and then category.

I found in the articles I came across a big emphasis on the first time mother, and also 'surprise' pregnancies.
Clearly I am not a first timer, and I was and still am very excited about our planned baby. This could be why I waited even longer to see my GP. I love feeling the baby move, am very excited about our last family member joining us and am not concerned at all about coping, or how things will be.
I think this is where more information about antenatal depression needs to be put out there. So mothers who already have a child/ren can get information for them too.

I am a strong believer in trying natural remedies first when possible. If 3 months goes by and there is little improvement you know it's time to seek out more professional help.

Which is what I did. I am very fortunate to have a great GP whom I have been seeing my entire life. Apparently when I was 1 years old I was sick and having a tantrum, and he helped calm me down. We have a long history basically, and I trust him, and he knows me very well.
We talked about my past pregnancies, life in general, big things happening at the moment and of course the children. I explained how if anything I am getting through the days because of the children. I get out of bed because of them. They keep me going. They are also actually not a burden like some people say, and certainly not causing how I was feeling.
They really are great kids and a wonderful help.

We spoke about hormones in pregnancy, and how each pregnancy is different. The hormones are not exactly the same each time. Every pregnancy and baby is different, and we need to go by what is happening with this pregnancy. I had noticed how annoyed I felt this pregnancy, in a physical way. It's hard to describe, but sometimes I feel like I want out of my skin. I am just annoyed all over.
I told him how I feel the hormones have wreaked havoc this time.

He talked about how he knows how I feel about medications and that I do prefer to try naturally first. I told him all the things I had been doing over the months. I know I am lucky that he knows a lot about natural ways and agreed with what I was taking to try and help.

Then we moved on to medications. He explained to me the different types and how they work, and what is safe/not safe in pregnancy and breastfeeding.
He gave me a prescription to start the next morning, a low dose. Also to see him in 2 weeks again.

We then chatted about seeing someone to talk to told me about a few women he highly recommends for mothers. So we are in the process of getting to see one of them too.

He said that while he would rather I was not going through what I am, that he is very pleased I came to see him.

So now I am still taking my supplements, along with my prescription. I am glad I am able to keep taking the supplements, as I know how important they are for me to have.

And that is where I am at. A post I have found very hard to write, but feel important to get it down, and press publish before I chicken out!

I need to Pee

Yup, no such thing as TMI on this blog.

"Needing to go to the toilet is very common at the start of the first trimester and end of third trimester. You will more than likely have a break in between."

BULLSHIT!

Why do so many 'information and advice' articles and books say this? Ask 50 pregnant women and I guarantee those who had that nice break are in the minority.

Telling women this sets us up (ok me) to whinge and complain even more. This pregnancy I have not had a break AT ALL. All day at least every half hour, all night it stretches to every hour.
This is when I get that feeling. But do I go straight away? Of course not. I am a grown adult who still tries to ignore it, cause, you know, it might go away. Ha!

Empathy to all the Mummas out there who know what I am talking about.

Here's to the last trimester!